More Conversations With The Awakener
De Simple Silence.
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[modifier] The Bill Unpayable
Injured by false allegations circulated by an intimate friend of mine, my mind was plunged into turmoil. I was greatly annoyed with myself for not being able to deal with the situation. The gossip had been going on for over a month, and had become unbearable for me.
Disillusioned and dejected, I threw myself into a chair. How close we had been, and yet[... ] Sadly I closed my eyes to block out the sorry spectacle of this world.
Then I heard a soft voice. « Are you angry, or are you meditating? » You asked.
I opened my eyes to see You there. « Both! » I fumed.
« Angry meditation! This is something new! But what happened that made you lose your temper? »
« Something I really did not expect, » I grumbled.
« The unexpected is always waiting around the corner, and one should be ready to face it without losing one’s equilibrium. » And again You inquired gently, « What is troubling you? »
« Accusations that are totally false! » I exploded.
« If the charges are really false, why should they affect you? » You asked mildly.
« But there are so many deceitful rumors that accompany them! What has become of my image in society! »
« You should have been more concerned about My image in your eyes than about your image in the eyes of others, » You cautioned. « Eventually the truth shall prevail. »
But I was too aroused to be appeased by this kind of assurance. « What should I do until then? » I snapped. « Just keep my mouth shut about all of this? »
« Well, not necessarily, if you can’t wait. But regardless of what you say or do, you shouldn’t lose your mental balance because of it. In fact, you could have taken this unexpected experience as a challenge to face the situation cheerfully. » And You smiled.
I was still smarting and unable, or perhaps unwilling, to relinquish my sense of indignation. « How I wish I could do that. But it’s too much! Impossible! »
« Yes, you could be right, » You sighed. And then You suggested, « Why don’t we take a walk in the park? The open air, the blue sky, the sparkling leaves and flowers will help you calm down. Get your hat, but don’t look in the mirror. » You winked at me.
I gave you a borrowed smile, and responded, « I know my face is red with anger. »
We went to a quiet, beautiful spot in the park, but I was oblivious to the loveliness that surrounded me. The subject of our conversation still weighed on my mind. Impatiently, I asked, « What did You mean about accepting all of this as a challenge to be cheerful? »
« Here we are in such a beautiful, buoyant atmosphere, and you still haven’t left your room. Come outside, » You urged. « Be here for awhile. »
« But first, » I insisted, « tell me why all of this should have happened. »
« Because I wanted to get a rise out of you. »
« Get a rise out of me! Why? »
« So that some nonsense buried deep within you could be brought to the surface and wiped away. »
« But how am I supposed to know that it is You doing these things? »
« I can give you simple clues, but it may not be easy for you to follow them. »
« Tell me, I’ll try to understand. »
« The people you live and associate with are the masks that I wear over My innumerable selves. Through the mutual responses and reactions that you experience in your life, I help you to discover this truth. So some even call Me the ‘Mask Master.’ What do you think of this name? »
By now Your presence and Your words had softened my mood. « Your masquerade is so perfect and profound, and the unmasking so difficult, that it would be more likely for people to call You the ‘Task Master.’ » And I smiled.
You seemed pleased that my spirits were lifting. « Aside from what other people may say or think, how would you prefer to address Me? »
Suddenly a feeling of gratitude came over me, and I answered spontaneously, « As the ‘Perfect Doctor’ who knows the cure for anyone’s wounded spirit. »
« So you’re feeling better now? »
« Yes, definitely. »
« Then you’ll have to pay the Doctor His fee. »
« Send me the bill, » I rejoined.
« It will come soon. »
« I’ll be waiting. »
And both of us laughed.
Just about then a crowd of people began to drift our way, and so we parted.
In a bright, happy mood, greatly relieved, I reached home. There was an envelope on the table. I could recognize the handwriting as that of the friend who had created all of the uproar with the defaming rumors. I wanted to tear it to pieces.
But something within prompted me to open the letter. The contents greatly surprised me :
. . . totally misinformed[... ] deepest apologies[... ] terribly sorry. Let us be friends again. Please forgive me and also all of those involved in this unfortunate incident.
I could scarcely believe what I was reading. It was hard to absorb. And the thought flashed through my mind : « Is this the ‘bill’ You promised to send me, that I am to forgive all of these people? »
The next moment all of the misery and bitterness I had experienced over the past few weeks welled up in me once again. All of those caustic remarks rang in my ears ; I saw the sarcastic expressions. Yet, as I saw those faces in my mind’s eye, it was as though You were winking at me through their eyes. « Cheer up! Clear up the bill! Now is the time. »
« But does merely saying ‘Sorry’ mean truly feeling sorry in one’s heart? » I asked myself. Real forgiveness seemed far beyond me. The wounds that were still bleeding in my heart were not willing to say « Forgiven » so readily ; in fact, some were moaning, « Why forgive? Is this fair? »
« This bill is unpayable, » I mumbled to myself. My inability to keep my word to You brought tears to my eyes. Slowly I pulled out a chair and lowered myself into it. What was being brought to the surface, and what was being wiped away? I had no idea.
Nevertheless, I felt that what You had told me had deep significance. I did not need to know it, but only prayed to You, « Please help me pay Your bill. »
[modifier] Let A Sip Be A Celebration
It was past lunchtime, but I had no appetite. With eyes closed, I was quietly lying on my bed. The chronic bodily complaints had reappeared, and the mere mention of food brought nausea.
Gripped with anxiety, I felt depressed, unbalanced. From these recurring symptoms and bouts of illness I felt physically battered and mentally shattered.
While engrossed in this gloomy mood, I heard someone tiptoe into my room. As I opened my eyes, I saw You sitting at my bedside, Your face glowing with that ever-fresh smile.
I hurriedly sat up. Casting a glance at me, eyes sparkling with endless vitality, You said, « What’s the matter? What’s wrong with you? »
In a dejected tone I replied, « Nothing is right with me! How do I look? »
« Well, your eyes look strained and your cheeks pale, » You remarked.
« Don’t they tell You how I am? » I responded.
« Physically, yes. Chronic physical complaints often result in chronic deviation from the real center of life. So I was asking you, how are your spirits? »
« Frighteningly low! » I exploded.
« Why should you feel so? Haven’t you yet learned that physical illness comes in the natural order of things and leaves the same way? It’s a sort of tax you pay when temptations have led you to overestimate your capabilities. »
« So this is a sort of punishment for me, » I commented wryly.
« No. Don’t take it that way ; that would be disrespectful to the flow of life. It’s a challenge to strengthen your relationship with Me. It’s an opportunity, a time to regain greater poise and serenity ; it can help you relax and detach yourself from the body and will initiate you in the life of spirit. »
A bit startled, I said, « Then should I discontinue with my medical treatment? » But even as I said this, I knew the stupidity of my question.
However, without condemning or deriding me, You explained, « Don’t be silly! Play your part well and that shall calm you down and also satisfy your mind. Your practical efforts to get over your sufferings will mellow you and help you to be sympathetic toward others. This process will reveal to you some precious aspects of human life. Suffering comes not to suffocate, but to put you in touch with deeper aspects of life. »
You paused thoughtfully and then added, « Strive to feel that you are much stronger in spirit than what you take yourself to be. Be sure. And you are much weaker in flesh than what you think you are. Beware! »
« I am intrigued ; how am I to judge the limits of spirit and those of my flesh? » I asked.
« Through constant awareness of your life itself, » You replied. « With the passage of time, this attitude of witnessing, with detachment shall gradually take away the fear of the unknown and of death. »
I hastily intervened, « What about the people suffering from terminal diseases, constantly facing death and needing reassurance on a deeper level? »
You looked at me with incomprehensible seriousness, yet also with great tenderness. « That is a question of an entirely different dimension. Let us not go into it today. However, know this much, that no one really dies, except to live in Me, forever. »
You concluded, « Whether healthy or unhealthy, most people suffer from two common diseases. »
« Which are these? » I asked impatiently.
« Worry and fear. And the two are finely interrelated. Worry is fears encapsulated and fear is worries activated! »
I broke in, « I am greatly affected by both of them ; I do not know how to get out of their grip. »
Calmly you continued, « You bring into existence whatever you seriously dwell on. At every moment, you have a free choice. So why entertain and project negative values? The more you desire the limited and limiting objects for the gratification of the flesh, the more you get away from the boundless, blissful life of spirit. »
What You were asking of me was not easy, but Your words made me feel that You regarded my illness as Your own. Your intimate support filled my heart with courage. This made me bold enough to ask You, « But how do I get in touch with the life which You want me to lead? »
You smiled and said, « Simple. Begin knocking on the door of My spaceless mansion! »
« What! » I exclaimed. « That seems far, far away. »
« No, it’s very close, closer than your own breath. »
« And yet farther away than the sky overhead! » I said, and together we laughed.
You continued, « Well, the distance is that which you create between your own doubts and your deep trust in My unconditional presence. »
As we were conversing, the clock struck one.
Pointing to it, You said, « Aren’t you hungry? »
« Not really. Today I am going to take only a little broth. »
« Then why delay? Bring the kettle here. »
I stood up, but touched by Your love, my eyes brimmed with tears of joy, and I said, « Instead of taking broth from your hand, in fact, I wish to stay with You where time stands still. This shall free me for all time from physical maladies and mental depressions! »
Heavenly light shone in Your eyes. « You are always there with Me, yet on your own you swerve, and then you complain of being pushed away. Now, be quick and get your broth. »
I went to the kitchen, brought the kettle, and placed it with a cup on a little stool. You filled the cup, looked at me from head to foot, and sweetly said, « In My remembrance, sip slowly the broth, with joy in heart and ease of mind, and My vital presence shall keep company with you. Give up despondency and don’t worry. »
While walking toward the door, You gave me a smile that filled my being with Your loving assurance. Entranced, I sat on my bed sipping the broth, and Your words became alive ; I felt I was drinking life-giving nectar!
The sense of buoyancy that came from Your visit cannot be described in words, yet with the last sip, words flowed :
« All Glory to You! Sometimes, as I sip, let it be a celebration of Your glorious presence pouring into my heart! »
Was I asking too much of You?
[modifier] Being A Windbag
I wrote just one word, « Speak, » put down the pen, and began to laugh. I had wanted to write about what happened to me during a week when I attempted to follow one of Your guidelines. This entailed recording a series of failures, some highly comical.
A filmic procession of these episodes now flashed across the screen of my mind. I couldn’t contain myself. I cradled my face in my hands and sat there helplessly laughing.
Just then there was a pat on my shoulder. Startled, I opened my eyes, turned around, and beheld You standing behind me, Your face lit with a winsome smile.
« What’s so funny? » You asked.
« You are the cause of this! » I said, trying to compose myself.
« Well, I know I am the Primal Cause of all, of everything, but what is the specific reason for all this laughter? »
So I began to explain, « You see, I had resolved to follow one of Your guidelines for just seven days and[... ] » Again, I broke into laughter.
« And what? » You prompted.
« Well, I must admit that I failed miserably. But it was also amusing to find, later on, how with each failure Your words came back to me, pointing out my mistakes. And I would see how I had lied for nothing, how I had unnecessarily exaggerated many things to show myself off[... ] . »
I was about to go on enthusiastically narrating more of my failures, but You stopped me. « Which guideline, specifically, are you referring to? »
« Oh, sorry. I forgot the main thing. It was a short, five-word saying that You told me once : ‘Speak only when you must.’ And was it ever fun trying to put this into practice! »
You smiled and said, « So your attempt to become an honorable silent sage turned you into a chatterbox! »
« More or less, » I admitted. « How I’m grateful to You for Your words. They kept bringing to my notice how often I would poke my nose into things that were none of my business, and how frequently I had offered unsolicited advice where it was of no interest. I could see how my own verbosity had prevented others from expressing their views. In various ways, You showed me what a windbag I really am, wasting energy and breath for nothing, playing at conversation as though it were a game in which to excel and prove myself. »
I went on spewing forth a hodgepodge of observations about myself and my experiences, and then, becoming self-conscious, concluded : « But believe me, I tried earnestly to follow Your advice. »
And I waited for Your reaction.
« Don’t be surprised if you come to find that most of your words were mere chaff, » You replied. « To converse well is to know well when not to speak. But when You speak in a spirit of humility, in an effort to understand and communicate with others, this is not a waste of energy. If you are trying to bring a smile to an unhappy face, or if you are singing praises glorifying Me, this is as good as observing silence. »
Bal Natu. Published by Sheriar Foundation. © 1993 Sheriar Foundation
