How I Came to Baba

De Simple Silence.

"Sometimes I say that I sat in the train and I came to 'Nagar, and I came to Baba! But now, the real thing — how I came to Baba. I was born in Bombay and lived there for 15 years. My aunt raised me because she loved me and she had no children. My parents used to stay in Navsari.

"Until the age of 5 years, I was very healthy — skinny, but still very healthy. Then I got an awful skin disease, on the feet and on the hands. It spread from my feet up to my knees, and from my hands up to the elbows. The rest of the body and face was completely intact, but where the disease was I was scarred, I thought for life. My dear aunt took utmost care to cure me, and every medicine was tried but failed. When I was 12 years old, somebody suggested a skin specialist, so I was taken there by Kaikobad Dastur, a close family friend and the one I liked and trusted most. When that doctor saw me, he said, 'Really, I don't know why the other doctors didn't cure her, it's a very simple case.' Well, the poor doctor tried his best, for months, but he could not cure me. He tried everything. He gave me 75 injections in one day! But it did not work at all, and at last, he had to say, 'I'm very sorry to say that this child has to suffer for the rest of her life, because I have never seen such an obstinate disease.' I heard that, and since by nature I'm obstinate, this just added to my obstinacy. I decided not to go to any more doctors and concluded that all doctors were hypocrites. From then on, whenever my aunt would suggest a doctor, I would refuse.

"In 1925 my aunt died so, naturally, I had to go to my parents. My father had been following Baba for two years at that time, so my parents tried to persuade me to go to Baba. They said, 'Baba will cure you.' I was so disgusted, I said, 'When all doctors fail, what will your Baba do?' I refused to go. So they wrote to Kaikobad to take me to Baba because he followed Meher Baba too. At that time, if I would listen to anyone, I would listen to Kaikobad. He was very kind to us, very kind. He wrote to me to come to Bombay and go on a picnic to 'Nagar, saying that I would be pleased to see Baba. Kaikobad wrote, 'I promise that I won't say anything about your disease to Baba.' If it pleased Kaikobad I felt I could do it, as long as he was not going to say anything to Baba.

"Then I came here, to Ahmednagar. At 8 o'clock I saw Baba for the first time. He was in the rickshaw (the one now in the Meherabad museum), and was being drawn, probably by the Prem Ashram boys, from Meherabad Hill to Lower Meherabad. I was standing in a queue when I saw Him. At that time there were no restrictions on visiting Meherabad, and many lovers used to come for Darshan, for an interview or for advice. I saw Baba coming out of the rickshaw. From the beginning, I took Baba as a great personality, but not more. I did not consider Him even a saint or a perfect master, so the idea of His being God was very far away. I saw Baba as I saw any ordinary person but, for Kaikobad's sake, I folded my hands.

"Baba went in the room and started giving Darshan and interviews. I was just standing there, and then my turn came. Baba was in the old bungalow, with a small window, and He peeked through and beckoned me to come. I was undoing the lace of my shoe and, just for half a second, I stared at Baba. To this day I don't know how or why, but I cried. I almost sobbed. I cried like a child, and I went to Baba with tears. Baba asked me why I was crying. I said, 'I don't know.' I had Baba's Darshan and I stood, sobbing. Then Kaikobad told Him everything about me and my disease. Baba said, 'For that you are crying?' I said, 'No, I don't know.' Then He asked me again, "Tell Me your complaint. Tell Me what you suffered with your disease, in your own words.' But I could not. Then He dictated on the board, 'Don't worry, it will go permanently.' He signed the message to emphasize it, Baba. I read the board, I heard Him, but I had been told the same by so many doctors. When the interview was finished, Baba gave me a little dhuni ash in a bottle and told me to take a pinch in the mouth before tea in the morning while saying 'Baba.' I said, 'Yes, Baba.'

"All my obstinacy was washed out. I went back to Navsari and I started taking the ashes. For one month, without any hope, I just took them. Then, to my amazement, I was completely cured. Even my scars vanished. I was so happy to be out of the clutches of the disease that immediately my view of Baba jumped from 'great personality' to 'God' because only God could have done that. I began to love Baba, and I had much, much respect for Him. I wrote a letter to Baba thanking Him and He got Chanji to write to me, 'Baba is glad to receive your letter, but He says He hasn't done anything. Your faith and love has done the work.' At that time He might have been aware of my faith and love, but I felt that I had not, at that time, had such faith.

"Then for a few months, I was very happy, very, very happy. Kaikobad used to come to Baba often, and He wrote to me, telling me about Baba's moods, how He cracked a joke and everything. After months, he wrote a letter to me about how happy he was to be with Baba and how happy Baba appeared, but the last line in the letter was, 'This time I saw on Baba the disease that you had.' That line made me completely upset, so upset that I could not put my mind on anything, and the very second I read that line I hated myself. I said to myself, 'If I had not gone to Baba, and if I had stuck to my obstinacy, this wouldn't have happened, but now it is too late.' Now I began to pray in my mind, every second, 'Baba, give it back to me.' I wanted to see Baba personally so I could make the matter clear, because I was shy to write and I didn't want anyone else to read the letter.

"For months I had to wait, but after some months my disease came back in a small form and I was happy. I could not hide it. My Baba lover relatives saw it, understood the story, and said that they would tell Baba. I didn't want that, so I said I would tell Baba and no one should interfere. Then, again, I was waiting and waiting to see Baba, and one day Kaikobad's letter came, saying that Baba was coming to Bombay on His way to Iran. I immediately dropped everything and went to Bombay. Kaikobad saw me and said, 'A relapse? We will tell Baba.' Again, I said that I would tell Baba and He should not.

"The next day we went to Baba for Darshan, and Kaikobad told Baba that the disease had relapsed. Baba appeared very indifferent and said, 'Try some sulphur.' My whole mind was on how to speak to Baba directly about it, but there were too many people and I was too shy. After Darshan, we left. That same day, at four o'clock, feeling inspired, I went the few blocks from Kaikobad's house to where Baba was staying. Baba was sitting with 25 or 30 boys, playing carom. He gestured, 'Why did you come? You were already here in the morning.' So I said, 'Yes, Baba, I came.' He said, 'OK, sit down. Do you know how to play carom?' I said, 'No, Baba.' Then He said, 'Why did you come, then? Is there anything to say?' I said, 'Yes, Baba.' 'Then say it now,' He said. 'No, Baba,' I said, 'I want to talk to You privately.' He beckoned Chanji to come to the inner room with the alphabet board. I then said, forcefully, "I have nothing to hear from you Baba, I have things to say. And I don't want Chanji either!'

"Baba took the alphabet board and called me. He was sitting on a couch, spinning His board. He asked me, 'Say what you want to say.' I said everything, and stopped. He said, 'Are you mad? You are mad. Who could do that? Who could take anybody's disease on their person?' I said, 'Baba, any ordinary being could not, but God can and You are God.' He said, 'You are stark mad.' I didn't say anything. He said, 'Let it be as it is now.' I said, 'Baba, You know my plight. I cannot be happy at all until You just give it back to me.' He didn't say anything right away. 'Then what to do?' He asked. 'That is up to You,' I said. Then He said, 'I have one result. Would you like it?' I said, 'How do I know Baba? What is it?' He said, 'Neither you nor I would suffer. Would you like it?' I said, 'Yes, Baba, I would like it very much.' I liked it, but I felt that Baba was getting rid of me, like getting rid of an obstinate child by promising it a piece of chocolate. So I said, 'Baba, I like it, but it doesn't appeal to me here,' and I pointed to my heart. He said, 'Give your hand to me,' and slapped my hand in the gesture for a promise. He looked at me and said, 'Is it all right now?' I felt that it would be OK. I knew that He would keep the promise, but still I said, 'Now, Baba, stick to that please, OK?' Baba said, 'Didn't I promise you?' Then He clapped, called all the boys into the room and Baba asked them, 'Have you ever seen a mad woman?' They said, 'No,' and Baba pointed to me and said, 'See, she is stark mad.' I laughed over that for months. I was completely cured, and have remained cured up till now.

"I came to live with Baba permanently in 1938. One day He asked me, 'How long did you suffer from your disease?' I said, '14 years.' Baba said, '14 years? That is the time-honored period for a penance. And suffering is very good. It brought you to Me.' Then He asked me all sorts of questions about the medical procedures and asked, 'Why didn't the doctors cure you?' 'I don't know, Baba,' I said. Then He said, 'Science is advancing by leaps and bounds, but what did they accomplish? It was my key to draw you to Me. That's why they didn't cure you. Now you are with Me, so be happy.' He did this because this mulish person would not have come, perhaps, but here I am."

Mansari. Originally "Mansari's Special Disease," QUARTERLY NEWSLETTER, vol. 26, Spring 1997, Meher Baba Center of Northern CA.